Well,this blog is about and for my grandma,who was called for the eternal life the last year.It is about my feelings when I lost her.I thank you beforehand for empathizing and sharing the grief with me.

If my memory is sharp ,I still remember ,some 22 years ago on a sunny April day my Amama (grandma ) was there standing anxiously in front of the operation theatre to hear the cry of my voice and to see her first grandson .It was she who brought me out of the hospital to show me how realistic the world looks like. Hmmm.. after 22 years, as people would call it fate ,it was me, who took her inside the hospital for one final time and sadly showed her the path to eternal life. As the Holy Bible says death comes as a silent thief. I do oblige with that, but that thief takes away the person forever from us, but forgets to take away the memories of them, which we love to cherish forever and ever!

Ya memories are really cherishable when it is of those whom we have loved without bounds. My Amama was no exception. Umpteen fond memories to treasure for a life time. It was then, when I would come to visit Amama only during my exam holidays as I was there at Pondicherry. I still remember, days when I helped Amama to make a crib when I come for X’mas hols. Those were the days when we go to night mass at Holy Family Convent .As a child ,I was reluctant to actually get up during those wee hours and go to church. But Amama somehow, managed to wake me up. She keeps saying she will show me a grandpa who ll give me chocolates and gifts. And without fail that grandpa too, gave me many more than I expected. And today I know his name is Santa Clauz! Hmm I m just reminded about one Easter night mass when I did not get up even after they tried to wake me up. Guess wat they did? They locked the door and they all went to Church, thinking that I would not get up in the mean time and they could come soon. To my nightmare, quite literally, I got up during that time, only to see neither my parents nor Amama there at home. Oops! I don’t remember any other occasion when I cried so much and felt bad about them. Later fed up of crying I went to my own business..to sleep again!

Life moved on..Fast,never as before and we landed here in Chennai to stay with my grandparents. Appapan(Grandpa) was very keen on my academics, and obviously there was pressure for me to perform. I was not spared any bit of scolding and advice. Whenever I was tired of hearing lots of those there was a soul which was always there to encourage me and tell me that I can do it!! A soul which was there to embrace, love, and care for me-My Amama

After my successful 10^th and 12^th,whenever my results came..I just cant describe it with words, the amount of joy I could see in her eyes .After I got placed in a MNC, she whole heartedly wished me great success in my field. Hmm..I had that burning desire to get her atleast something with my first salary. But she did not wait for it or rather I could say it sadly.. I was late!

A soft spoken, a person with a sunshine smile 24*7,a human who dint know the limits of affection, who was always ready to shower it pricelessly, an embodiment of true love, a person to be adored. I can proudly say I have inherited some of those innate characters into me, which I m sure will lead me in the right direction ,in the life ahead! Whenever I leave to college and whenever I returned, there was Amama who welcomed me with her warm smile. Ha.. Anyone who can feel the value of that smile ,even forgets the troubles he faced during that day and most importantly the troubles he faced riding in our roads! I m sure that smile can’t be replaced..So genuine and loving!

I’m going to face a void .I don’t know with whom I can sit and watch a Malayalam film again, where she keeps on teaching me that “toughest” language time and again .I don’t know who is going to give me a company to tease my sister. I don’t know whose hands I can hold so happily as I did for Amama, walking through the terrible roads of ours .I don’t know who is going to love me so much, after my parents! I don’t know with whom can I find solace during difficult times!

A famous saying goes like this “Familiarity breeds contempt” .But this was never the case with our relation .It grew stronger day by day and I was at the receiving end..Receiving loads of care and affection! Not to forget my siblings. They too enjoyed their own share!! Ya it is true she was too emotional at times just because she was not able to accept certain things from certain people, just because she loved them so much!

I feel Amama’s life was scripted perfectly. Born at the God’s own land as the eldest among her 7 siblings, having lead a peaceful married life, being the mother of four children, she was too good! As a priest pointed out she has lead an exemplary life which ought to be looked upon with pride and inspiration. In the last couple of years where her tribulations and the fight to fill the generation gap was inevitable, she accepted responsibilities and my honest confession is that I was just a silent admirer of her dedication and her devotion. Hats off!!

Well, I m just reminded of a great old man who quite accidentally asked me, when I was jus about 10 yrs “who do u think loves U so much after ur parents?” I was not so matured then, but somewhere deep inside the heart I had the feeling it was my Amama and I replied so. And after so many years I feel I was not wrong and I have done all that should be done for a perfect reciprocation. Infact the final walk in which I took her into the ICU cannot be erased so easily from my memories. The final hug and the smile, even in that situation personifies the character she was. I never imagined that I would be the last person to speak to her. The last few words in the dying moments of our relation “Don’t be afraid Amama” still echoes to me loud and hard. It is quite ironic that it is time for us to pray to our Amama that “We are afraid of our future.. Plz pray for us”.

MAY HER SOUL REST IN PEACE!